


The Trouble With Wanting

by mimiwriteswords



Series: Needle & Thread [3]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Friendship, Romance, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22532614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimiwriteswords/pseuds/mimiwriteswords
Summary: It was with instant clarity in that moment he realized that he had passed the point of fondness many months ago and had dived head first into uncharted waters.
Relationships: Caitlin Snow/Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells
Series: Needle & Thread [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621186
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	The Trouble With Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from "The Trouble with Wanting", by Joy Williams, which I listened to almost obsessively while writing this one and took a great deal of inspiration from the song.
> 
> J, thank you ever so much for the brilliant title of the work and for encouraging me to write even when I'm concerned that it is too 'sappy'.

He knows, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it is completely rational for him to feel this way.

He is allowed to experience a range of emotions and although some of these feelings might be foreign, he knows they are not unwarranted. He had told himself countless times over the past few days that he needn't be embarrassed when he found himself falling down a rabbit hole he much rather not. He’s good at avoiding his feelings, in fact he excels at it. But his usual tricks are no longer working and if he’s being honest, he’s not even surprised anymore. Perhaps, its because he knows that he doesn’t really want to bury this particular feeling. He has made his peace with it being a part of his life- a secret affliction that he’s doomed to have for the rest of his life. It is a constant companion of sorts, reminding him that underneath all his intelligence and brilliance he was, after all, just a man.

She shoves the sleeve of her lab coat upwards to glance at her watch, and he has to catch his breath as he glimpses- just a tiny sliver- of bare skin.

He has always known that he was fond of her. When he had hugged her goodbye a few weeks ago, reminding her that she was a brilliant scientist and person, he knew that she would have a special place in his heart. She had, over the past year, become a part of his daily routine, not just in the big ways but also in the seemingly insignificant ways. A brush of hands in the medical lab, a secret smile shared as Barry saved the day yet again, a comforting presence when he needed it, a witty retort thrown his way in the cortex, a knowing look shared every so often. What he hadn’t realized was how much she would haunt him when he left Team Flash. 

He had gotten to work almost instantly once he was back on his Earth. He was extremely serious about his quest to fix the problems he had created and he was certain that S.T.A.R Labs was his first step to making these changes happen.

He ended up in the Biochemistry department on his first day back to speak with his staff there and found himself searching for a pair of hazel eyes. He had eventually made his way to the break room to grab a cup of coffee and was almost taken aback when he found himself alone and not in her presence, as she slowly sipped her coffee standing up. He never did get the chance to ask her why she always drank her morning coffee standing up and leaning against the counter. He had peeked in on a medical lab and almost expected to see her peering into a microscope, hair tossed in a ponytail and lower lip caught between her teeth as she concentrated on her task, completely unaware of her surroundings. On his third day, he caught a whiff of a very familiar scent and found himself glued to the spot as his colleagues looked at him quizzically (If he is being honest, he’s gotten quite used to the strange looks the staff at his S.T.A.R Labs have been throwing his way.) The next day he ventured out into the local coffee shop (also names Jitters) and nearly lost his breath when he saw a woman walking past him. She had the same long, dark hair and the same gait and he found himself walking- almost _running_ \- up to her. Fortunately, she turned around just as he was about to touch her arm and while she was a beautiful woman in her own right, she wasn’t Caitlin.

It was with instant clarity in that moment he realized that he had passed the point of fondness many months ago and had dived head first into uncharted waters.

He had always been a restless man and had never had the patience to sit in one spot and ponder his feelings. He had felt for many years that relationships of any sort- other than the one with his daughter- to be more of a distraction than anything else. He was content with that. Of course, the events of the past year had made him stop and take stock of the majority of his beliefs...including his take on relationships. He would have loved to say that the speed force manifesting in Jesse was the only reason he went charging back to Team Flash. While there were no other people he would trust as much with his daughter’s life, he was curious to see if his somewhat new obsession with Caitlin would curb once he was actually around her again.

In hindsight, he realized that this might have been one of the most daft ideas to have ever cross his mind.  
  
As soon as he had been hurled through the breach, his eyes had landed on her. She was standing next to Joe, dressed impeccably as usual and a sweet smile on her face. She had wasted no time in getting Jesse tested- he had definitely appreciated her efficiency. He had tried to keep his eyes on his daughter as she raced around the track at an alarming speed, but had found it incredibly hard to do so. All he could really see was yellow lightning whizzing around and that was enough to send his anxiety through the roof. He huffed and had tried his best to keep his gaze trained on the screen ahead of him. 

“Harry.” 

The sound of her voice, calm and measured, had him looking up at her. She had a sympathetic look on face and he could have easily surmised what she had been thinking. Her head was tilted to the side. “Are you alright?”

He could have laughed out loud in that moment. They hadn’t even exchanged pleasantries yet, and she was already up to her usual antics and being a “doctor”.

He hummed and straightened himself out. “Can you think of any other tests we should run?”

She nodded and had given him a knowing look before walking back over to her screen. 

It had taken him under five minutes to realize that Team Flash were dealing with even more problematic issues this time due to Barry’s time travel and he felt bad, momentarily, that he was imposing his own problems on them.

He hadn’t anticipated the emotional rollercoaster he would be thrust into until Caitlin had yelled at him He had, he admitted later with contrition, overreacted about Jesse’s new powers. He had foolishly thought that his daughter could be talked out of her willingness to be a superhero. He wondered, later that night, how he could have ever thought that about her- she was his daughter after all and he was well aware that stubbornness ran in the Wells family. The idea that he might not be able to control his daughter’s destiny didn't drive home until Caitlin had lost her temper. It had been so strange to see someone as composed and level-headed as her express herself with such force. But what was even stranger was the sudden attraction he felt towards her in that moment- as if a lightning bolt struck him, sending enormous amounts of energy coursing through his body.

Well, if he’s being honest he’s not _that_ surprised at this sudden jolt of desire. He had always thought she was stunning women and he knows for a fact that most people would agree with him. She’s got a kind smile to go with her kind heart and a wealth of intelligence in that brain. He has always had a million reasons to think the world of her and he tried his best not to focus on the less than gallant thoughts about her.

Of course there have been moments- usually during a sleepless night- when he’s lost his resolve and totally gone there. 

But as he had watched her whip her head around, her hair flung over her shoulder as she walked slowly towards him and her eyes sharp with anger, he could have sworn his heart had missed a beat. He had thanked whatever it was that made him stay glued to the spot, while she justified Jesse’s action so succinctly, instead of reaching out to her and regretting the consequence that would have followed. He was stunned as he watched her walk away in frustration at his lack of words. Cisco too had been at a loss for words, his mouth agape as he watched the interaction between them. Once everything has been successfully sorted with Jesse later that day, he had told himself that it had been a strange and momentary lapse in his feelings. He had just been surprised by her sudden display of emotions and of course her beauty had just fueled the fire. A fire he hoped, for the sake of his sanity, that would die down. 

He had been half convinced the next morning, that this sudden jolt of feelings were long gone. And then, just as he had been in conversation with Joe (about their children no less), Caitlin walked into the cortex and he nearly felt his jaw hit the floor.

She strutted in, tall and lithe, clad in a deep blue dress that clung to her like it was a part of her skin. Her heels clicked on the floor as she walked towards them, her purse in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. She flashed them a smile and a greeting as she walked past them and into her lab. He had stopped talking, forgetting momentarily that he had been conversing with Joe, and had instead been watching her as she walked around the lab, already engrossed in something. He turned his attention back to Joe, who had cleared his throat rather loudly and was wearing a knowing grin on his face. Joe chuckled to himself, clapping Harry on the shoulder as he walked out of the cortex.

There was something different about her and yet he could not put a finger on what it was. She wasn’t dressing any differently, she looked just as put together as always. Her lips were still painted a bright- and very distracting red, and she still smelled the same. Perhaps, she had finally started recovering from the awful heartbreak she had experienced over the past year. She looked healthy- not like the bruised woman he had said goodbye to a few weeks ago. Her eyes were brighter and her laugh lighter, he noticed as he watched her share a joke with Cisco. She flicked her hair over her shoulder and he noticed that her hair was lighter in shade. Had she changed her hair colour, he wondered. He felt like an obsessed teenager, watching her every move and trying to commit the smallest of details about her to memory . She had brushed the back of her hand- just barely- over his forearm at some point in the day to get his attention and he had to remind himself, as he felt the intense pang of heat coursing through him, that he was in fact _not_ a teenager. But she was looking up at him, her eyes impossibly wide, as she ran something regarding her research past him and all he could see was the golden light surrounding her.

It wasn’t until a few days later that he realized that there was, in fact, something different about her.

The team had been discussing some new metas that had been reeking havoc on Central City. Cisco had put Sam Scudder’s (later named Mirror Master) mugshot on the big screen in front of them and Caitlin had almost instantly commented on his good looks. His first reaction had been a scoff, as she gazed back at them and said, “For a criminal." 

His second reaction had been seething jealousy that had him reeling for a moment.

His third reaction was dread- cold and sharp- as he realized that her voice sounded a little too much like her Earth-2 doppelganger.

And just like that, all the little pieces he had gathered over the past few days since he had been here, fell into place.

She looks different because she is different. And yet, she is the same. Perhaps her hair is lighter cause she dyed it or perhaps it because of the physiological change that is happening with her. She’s skittish, he notices. The nervous energy seems to be more prevalent in her than usual. She excuses herself from the group often, claiming she has some work that requires solitude. He’s even noticed the physical distance she keeps from Barry and Cisco, hardly ever reaching out to touch them casually like he’d seen her do so many times over the past year. She hides it well - always pacing or working because she is Caitlin Snow and no one would expect anything different from her. However, it’s her eyes - dark with fear and anxiety- that betray her. 

And then there is this new aura surrounding her that is making her quite irresistible to him. 

“You’re staring.”

Cisco’s voice snaps him out of the trance he seems to be under. He glances towards Cisco, who is staring at the screen ahead of him and typing away. 

“You haven’t stopped staring at her for a few days, man.” Cisco continues, his eyes still focused on his computer.

He has no appropriate response to this- he had been staring at her after all. He chides himself internally for not showing more restraint.

He clears his throat and says, as casually as he could, “Is she alright?”

Cisco chuckles, “You tell me. You’re the one who’s been staring at her.”

“Just…” He sighs, turning his chair towards Cisco. “Do you think she’s ok?”

Cisco finally looks at him, curiosity getting the better of him. “Why are you asking?”

“She yelled at me.”

That sends Cisco into a laughing fit. “Yeah, she did. And it was awesome.”

He lets out a quiet groan. If truth be told, he is concerned about her. He knows her well enough to know that she would not ask for help even if she desperately needed it. The thought of her grappling with this by herself is disconcerting for him. Still, it is just a suspicion in his mind. He could be wrong- he hopes to God he is- and he needs to know if anyone else has picked up on it. 

“Yes, I’m sure you found that amusing. But…” He says, trying his best to be very clear. “It is quite rare for Snow to lose her temper like that.”

“Well, Ronnie used to make her that mad sometimes.” Cisco says, giving him a pointed look.

He chooses to ignore whatever Cisco might be insinuating. He most certainly doesn’t want to be compared to her dead husband.

“You should keep an eye on her.” 

“What is it with you and her?” He doesn’t like the spark in Cisco’s eyes as he asks him that question but on the other hand he can’t really blame Cisco for asking him that.

“Ramon, I’m serious. Time travel is a very risky and unstable thing. We don’t know the full extent of the damage that could have been done. Perhaps it affected Snow in some way too.”

That seems to sober Cisco up, who looks away from him and towards Caitlin who is working in her lab. It took him a minute to realize that he might have touched on a sore spot for Cisco.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to---”

“It’s fine, Harry. I know.” Cisco sighs, looking back at him. “It still doesn’t feel like Dante is gone. It just doesn’t feel real. You know what I mean?”

He inhales sharply, feeling an old wound buried away in the depths of his being wake up ever so slightly at Cisco’s words. Of course he knows. He’s spent the better part of his life with this particular demon. 

He opens his mouth to say something just as Caitlin walks out of the lab and comes to sit between him and Cisco, much like she usually does. There is ample room between the chairs and yet he slides his chair away from her, as slyly as he can. It might be a precaution or self preservation, he’s really not sure but he is certain that he needs some distance after what he thinks he’s unearthed about her.

She makes things even more difficult little later in the day as she throws him a look, eyes sparkling and mouth slightly pouting, and asks him- yet again- “Are you sure you have to leave?”

He has to look away from her, knowing very well that he couldn’t deny this woman anything if she looked at him this way. He shakes his head a little- his pathetic attempt at being nonchalant- and gives her an answer quite contrary to how he feels. 

  
***

She takes in a deep breath, trying her best to maintain control and waits for the cold to pass. She knows that all she needs now is a couple minutes until she will be back .Her hands don’t feel as cold anymore and she can feel the cold starting to fade away. She opens her eyes slowly- she’s always terrified of what she might see- and looks at her reflection.

Her eyes are still an icy blue shade.

She shuts her eyes instantly, leaning back against the wall and gives herself a few more minutes. There was a time in her life when she would have given an arm and a leg to have the same blue eyes as her father. She always felt rather cheated that she had inherited her mother’s eyes. Now it seems that she had inherited her mother’s icy temperament as well. They might have shared a profession, their brilliant intellect and an inability to communicate their feelings but as far as Caitlin was concerned, that was where she wanted all the similarities to end. Her mother was cold and demanding, whereas Caitlin made it a point to be compassionate and loving. And yet, the first day that she had felt the cold creeping into her bones, she had felt the oddest comfort... as if she had come home.

And the comfort of that cold had terrified her to no end.

She’s aware of the fact that she can sometimes be like her mother even though she had spent much of her adult life trying not to be like her. She has to fight so hard some days to not feel that hollow ache that seems to have permanently set itself in her bones. She’s been through more than most people would in their lifetime and she always tells herself that she should be grateful that she is still alive. But that doesn’t change the fact that she has to emotionally close herself off- sometimes it literally feels like she’s putting a lock on her heart- to function. This never affects her bedside manner since she has worked so hard over the years to perfect it and the front she wears. It’s common knowledge amongst people who study metas that their powers are usually related to their deep seated strengths and weaknesses. And so when she started to manifest her powers, she wasn’t all that surprised that they were ‘cold’ powers. She might know how to show warmth to the world, but when it comes to herself she has always been cold.

She had been at her home the first night she felt her powers. It had been a long week and she had felt exhausted, almost emotionally numb by the time she had stepped into the shower. The water felt tepid and not as hot as she wanted it to be. The glass of wine she drank that night, as she sat on her couch flipping through a magazine, felt chilled even though she was certain she hadn’t put this bottle in the fridge. By the time she laid down in bed, bundled in more blankets than usual, she could tell something wasn’t right with her. Thinking it was the flu, she had chugged some water and forced herself to fall asleep. She had woken up a few hours later and had exhaled sharply, feeling a cool mist exit her mouth. With that, she sat up immediately and in the darkness of her room, watched as her hands emitted a similarly cold mist. She had shot out of the bed, racing to the mirror on her vanity and had given a small cry as she stared into her icy blue eyes. 

She opened her eyes, reliving the first moments she had learned of her powers, and sighed in relief as she leaned forward to gaze at her reflection. She looked back to her normal self- golden brown hair and hazel eyes again. She straightened her dress and reached for the lab coat that lay discarded on the sink. She shrugged it on and took one more deep breath as she walked out of the washroom and towards the cortex. 

She was incredibly grateful that everyone was focused on Barry and Flashpoint, instead of her. She’s not sure what she would have done if she was suddenly the focus of the team. Despite knowing that, there are times when she wants to tell them about herself. It's been a few months and despite numerous tests, she isn’t closer to getting any answers. While nobody on the team is a medical doctor like her, they are experts in studying metas. She has had to concede, after these very lonely months, that she needs help. If only she knew how to ask for it. She wonders, as she almost always does when she’s feeling helpless, if Ronnie would have noticed her unease. Surely, it would have been much harder to hide something like this from someone you live with? Then she remembers all the other parts of herself that she never shared with him- the last memories of her parents and her as a happy family, her insecurities, her feelings for Dr. Wells- and is once again pulled into vortex of sadness and guilt. She had always figured there would be more time for them and even though it’s been over a year since she has lost him (the second time, that is), she feels a dull- almost forgotten- ache when she thinks of Ronnie.

She walks into the cortex and makes her way to the lab. Nobody questions where she has been and other than Barry’s quick nod her way, she’s certain that none of them even noticed her absence. She settles down in front of the computer and turns her attention back to the work she had abandoned when she had felt her cold powers starting to emerge. She forgets everything for a little while- her powers, the team, her struggles- and is grateful that she has the science to focus on.

And that’s when she feels his gaze on her.

She doesn’t need to look up to confirm it...but she does it anyway. And there he is in the cortex, leaning just slightly on the desk while Barry and Cisco are having a discussion that he is not paying attention to. He’s very still, and if it wasn’t for the movement of his eyes tracking her as she gets up to grab a book from the shelf behind her, he could have passed for a statue. He’s been doing that a lot lately. She would be terribly flattered if she didn’t feel like he knew about her powers. She lingers at the shelf a little longer not quite ready to see him continue to gaze at her. Or worse- not look at her anymore.

She chides herself for such commonplace thinking. He is a friend and colleague who she respects immensely and she had promised herself she wouldn’t go down that road again. She had done a good job of convincing herself and she had been fine really until he came back again. Well...it’s not as if she never thought about him while he had been away. She thought about him a few times a day for the first week and always found her mind straying to the hug they had shared in front of the breach room. She thought about the way he had held her against his body with such intensity. She thought about the way he felt under the palm of her hand and the quiet sigh he had released when she ran the very same palm down the curve of his spine and back up towards his shoulder.

She remembers every single detail of that encounter and then some. 

She grabs what she needs from the shelf and turns around. His gaze is still lingering on her....although not on her face. She feels the heat flood through her as his gaze travels up her body and finally meets hers again. 

She wonders if he might just be looking at her for no other reason than to just look at her.

She quashes that idea almost as soon as it occurs in her mind. There is absolutely no need to lose herself in these thoughts, especially not now with so much at stake. She forces herself to pull it together and walks into the cortex to share her findings with the team. Everyone carries out their own tasks and a few hours later, she finds herself in the Speed Lab alone, working on how she thinks Mirror Master and Top’s powers work. 

“Snow.”

Her head shoots up from the computer as she watches as Harry struts into the speed lab. She must have seen him walk the same way many times over the past year- nonchalant, controlled and designed to make everyone in the room look at him- and yet this time, she feels something flutter in her chest.

_Stop that._

“What are you working on?” He nods towards her computer screen.

“Mirror Master and Top.” She answers. “I’m trying to figure out how their powers work on a molecular level.”

He nods, leaning on the desk she’s working on, his long legs crossed at the ankles. He crosses his arms across his chest and is looking down at her, almost as if he wants to say something to her. 

“Did you need me for something?” She’s not sure how long she can deal with this. His close proximity seemed to have set something off in her and his gaze- _that gaze_ \- has her feeling unsettled yet again.

His brow furrows slightly as if he’s confused by her question but he clears his throat and says, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Ramon and I are ready to send a message out into the multiverse, if you’d like to come join us.”

Her heart sinks as she remembers their conversation and the plan from the other day. She remembers, bashfully, how she had asked him to stay twice already and he obviously does not plan to acquiesce. 

“Of course!” She exclaims, hoping to cover any disappointment in her voice. “We have to release you from our clutches, after all.”

He chuckles, shaking his head at her fondly and her heart hurts a little as she watches the lines and the dimples on his face deepen.

“How’s it going at your S.T.A.R Labs?” She is genuinely curious. 

“Good. Very good.” He says, emphatically. “I’ve implemented a lot of changes. I’m hoping for a more interdisciplinary approach to helping all the metahumans with their powers and all the other issues that happened in the wake of the particle accelerator explosion.”

His eyes brighten as he tells her this and she can’t help but smile as well.

“Interdisciplinary, huh? Whatever made you want to take that route, Dr. Wells?” She teases, leaning back in her chair. A slight smirk appears on his face and he angles his body towards her just slightly.

“Well, Dr. Snow, you see after spending most of last year with you a- biomedical genius, and Ramon and his mechanical engineering expertise, I have come to realize that us scientists can make remarkable wonders happen when we work together.”

She preens internally at his praise and then a thought makes her breath catch. Were they flirting?

She doesn’t get to ponder that thought any longer-thank goodness- because his face softens all of sudden. He looks more serious and she wonders if she’s taken it too far. 

“All joking aside,” He says, his voice deep as always but his tone is soft. “Everything I have been through over the past year with you guys has changed my life...has changed me. I’m not the same man I was. I want to acknowledge my mistakes and fix them.”

He looks away from her briefly and clears his throat, no doubt trying to cover the emotion that is evident in his voice. When he looks back at her, she gives him an encouraging nod, hoping he continues. He doesn’t disappoint.

“It's not just about the science anymore. It's not about being the first to discover something or a business venture. I want to do some good. I want to help people, empower and equip them with mine- and my colleagues- knowledge and expertise. I would have never come to this conclusion if I hadn’t come to this Earth and met all of you. All of this... everything I’m doing is because of Team Flash.”

She watched him as his eyes filled with sincere gratitude. She could never have imagined in a million years that Harry, bad tempered, sarcastic, and brusque as he was, would confess something like this to her. But she knows by now that there is more to him- so much more- that meets the eye. It makes her wonder what it would have been like if they had met under different circumstances. Not as Harry Wells looking for a way to save his kidnapped daughter or Caitlin Snow working on a superhero team. But as just as two people brought together by serendipity.

Perhaps she would have been hired to work at his S.T.A.R Labs and _he_ would have been the Dr. Wells she admired and could have sold a kidney to work for. She can imagine meeting him on her first day and being taken aback by his sheer presence. He would probably be dressed like a CEO, not a scientist, clad in a suit that would make him seem intimidating and aloof. She could imagine how she would have felt under his gaze, trying her best to not feel as young as she probably would. She would have found her place eventually, probably garnering a reputation for her brilliance in the field. She would have spent time- much more than 40 hours a week- researching and trying to make the most of her gifts she had received and the skills that she had honed. She could imagine running a clinical trial with him and they would eventually become peers and friends. Perhaps they could have even fallen in love with each other. She could have had the life she always envisioned herself having. 

But this life would not have Ronnie, Cisco, Barry, Joe or even Iris. 

She sighed and looked up at him, “That sounds amazing, Harry. I’m sure you are going to do amazing things once you get back. I’m just...”

“You’re what?” 

“I’m quite jealous I never got to see your S.T.A.R Labs.” She says. She’s not going to tell him about her little ‘what if’ moment but can at least tell him part of it.

“Maybe you can.”

He says it so softly that she almost misses it. She looks at him with her eyebrows raised and he continues, “You can come visit us someday. You do know someone who can breach you to me- to our Earth.”

She doesn’t miss his slip up, but she does choose to ignore it. Their conversation has already been so unusual and she’s not quite sure how to react to this invitation. They have never really done anything, much less discussed anything outside of these walls. So she decides to smile at him and nods her head towards the speed lab entrance, “ Should we…?”

He gives a nod, swift and smooth, and says “Whenever you are ready.”

She gets up, pushing her chair back in and makes an attempt to shrug off her lab coat. She feels the resistance and realizes that her necklace is caught in the tag of her coat. She reaches back and attempts to untangle her necklace. Her fingers fumble as she is unsuccessful in her attempt and she glances at Harry, who seems to be standing straight, no longer leaning on the desk, and asks, “Do you mind?”

He closed the distance between them and stands behind her, reaching for the back of her neck as his fingers brush against hers. Her mind goes quiet all of a sudden, her hands move down and come to rest by her side on their own accord. There’s barely any distance between their bodies as he pushes her hair to one side- she’s certain she feels goosebumps on the skin that he’s touched. He unclasps her necklace, untangling it from the tag, and then clasps it again. He seemed to be doing this as a snail's pace, or at least that was the way it felt to her. She inhaled hoping it would have a calming effect on her but it seems counterproductive as she breathes him in- he smells light, crisp, fresh and all too tempting. He removes his hands from the back of her neck and much to her surprise moves them forward, hooking his fingers under the collar and peels the lab coat off of her shoulders. The back of his hand graze her down her arms as he pulls the lab coat down all the way to her hands until the coat is off. She wonders briefly if it’s possible for a human being to spontaneously combust, when he breaks the silence. 

“You’re cold.”

That’s when she realizes that he is still touching her-his fingers brush against the inside of her wrist. She musters up all her courage and turns around slowly until she’s facing him. He makes no attempt to step back or to lighten his hold on her. His eyes are intensely blue and she would be more mesmerized if his words weren’t ringing like a warning in her mind.

“I tend to run cold.”

The look in his eyes changes almost instantly. He looks disappointed in her answer and then he’s stepping away from her, his hand no longer touching the tender skin of her wrist. He nods towards the entrance and starts to walk away from her without a backward glance.

She inhales sharply as she watches him walk away, feeling dread in the pit of her stomach as her mind settles on the truth.

He knows. 

***

He’s not ready to say goodbye, but he’s not ready for what might occur if he stays. Everything seems like it is on precarious ground.

He won’t be able to deal with it if he has to stand by and watch her lie to him again. He will want to help her with this and she won’t let him. She seems to want to fight his- or simply conceal it- all on her own. He can understand that, after all his first instinct has always been the same. But that doesn’t change the fact that he feels hollow at the thought of leaving this Earth again. He’s already thrown a bit of a tantrum when choosing from the different Wells yesterday, he recalls with embarrassment. He used to be much better at concealing his feelings before. But then again, he didn’t really have people in his life that he cared this much about that he actually worries about being replaced.

He has his theories about how Barry got out of the glass. He’s surprised - and disappointed- that nobody else is paying attention to this. He knows that he has to say something to someone. He cannot in good conscious give away her secret, especially when she hasn’t really shared it with him. But he cannot just walk away from them- from her- when he’s almost a hundred percent certain he knows the truth.

He peeks into the cortex on the way to the breach room and finds it empty. He steps inside hoping for a moment of peace before it is time to leave. He closes his eyes and lets the memories of the previous day wash over him.

He didn’t know what came over him in that moment with her in the speed lab. She had only asked him to help her and not start to undress her, he had told himself. He knows he’s over analyzing it. He was simply helping her out of her lab coat. He was being courteous if nothing else. He admits that his hands had lingered on her skin- which was noticeably cold- a little longer than what would have seemed normal. But that was it. Right?

He sighs, running a hand through his hair. There would have been a time when such a delicate and almost Victorian touch on a woman would not have been such a cause for contemplation for him. And then there was that look on her face when she has turned around. Her skin was flushed and her lips slightly parted. Her eyes, wide and dark, were boring into his with a look of surprise and - dare he say it- intrigue. All this time he had worried about his obsessive thinking and observation of her but it had never occurred to him that there might be some level of reciprocation here. 

“Harry.”

Of course, the powers that be would have her show up when he’s coming to all these realizations about her. He turns around and takes her in. She’s dressed in white today, her hair looked lush and her lips were painted red. She walks into the cortex, her heels clicking with each measured step. His gaze lowers as he notices the necklace she had worn yesterday. He looks back up at her, meeting her gaze and she has that sad smile on her face again. 

It's tempting, in the cortex with very few lights on and just the two of them, to voice his thoughts to her. 

“Are you ready?” She asks, her voice soft. 

No, he thinks as he looks at her, I’m not ready for you.

He nods and with one more glance to the cortex, he starts to walk out of the room with her. They walk the length of the journey to the breach room side by side, in companionable silence. He sees the entrance to the breach room from a distance and can see everyone inside. He remembers, a few months ago, the hug he had shared with her. He remembers the way she felt against him, the comfort he wanted to give her and the feelings she had set off in him with one sweep of her hand.

He halts and reaches out, catching her wrist in his hand. He doesn’t focus on the feel of her skin, or coldness of it, and he absolutely doesn’t think about the way she’s looking at him right now. He needs to say this to her before he’s surrounded by everyone again or worse- before he loses the courage to.

“I meant what I said.” He says, the low timbre of his voice breaking the silence of the hallway. “You have the option to come to my S.T.A.R Labs if you need anything.”

She looks confused for a second before her eyes widen, no doubt understanding what he’s saying. She looks down at where his hand is gripping her wrist and he can almost feel the urge she has to hightail it out of there. He tightens his hold on her and she looks up at him instantly.

“You can always come to me if you need anything.”

Her face softens, eyes no longer displaying fear and she opens her mouth as if to say something.

He lets go of her wrist and walks away from her. He walks the rest of the way by himself knowing full well that if she says anything, he might just never leave her. He laughs internally, wondering how he could have ever thought that he was just fond of her. He is so incredibly far gone that he’s certain that there really is no going back anymore.

He lets out a resigned sigh as he walks into the breach room. He hears her walk in a minute later and he can’t help but glance back at her. She holds his gaze for a second and then looks away, and he feels an ache- a terrible yearning of sorts- settle into his being.

This is all he has for now, he tells himself. It will have to do.


End file.
